I have a dick, so I must like staring at balls

Don't worry, this isn't actually a post about my penis.
You're welcome.

Today I'm going to talk a little bit about one of my favorite topics...SPORTS! You can't see my facial expressions or hear the biting sarcasm in my voice, but it's there, trust me. I'll start by saying that I don't hate sports, per se. I'm just extremely indifferent to the subject altogether. I understand the allure for some people. A lot of parents put their kids in little league as soon as they can hold a bat, or slap a pair of cleats on their little feet and teach them how to kick a soccer ball practically from infancy. I would expect those children to grow up to be jersey wearing, smack talking, terrible towel waving horrible sports fan adults. I, however, was not one of those kids. It's not that my parents didn't try to foster my recreational side. They enrolled me in karate (or moe-can-too, as my mom mistakenly called Tae kwon do the other day) when I was six or seven years old. About one year and two or three belts in we moved to a different town in Florida and they never ended up re-enrolling me. Game over. I never played another sport or participated in another after-school activity again.

It didn't help that neither my mom nor my dad had any interest in sports in any way, shape, or form. My dad would occasionally watch Nascar or golf on some Sundays, but even that wasn't often enough to really foster any long-term interest in my budding, youthful mind. He was also a little older than the fathers of most kids my age, and had his share of health problems. I can count the number of times he played catch with me on one hand. It wasn't his fault, really. He is an amazing father and I learned an incomprehensible number of life skills from him. Shit, the man taught me how to build a house from scratch before I was even in high school. He just wasn't a sports fan and didn't raise me to be one.

All this brings me to the point of this entire rant. Brace yourself -  I am a thirty-something heterosexual male who isn't a sports fan. Go ahead - let it soak in. Shocking, I know. I work in an office building where all anyone ever wants to talk about is sports. It's always time for another season of one sport or another to start up. I sit at my desk and listen to my co-workers talk about their fantasy football picks. I endure those two guys discussing the highlights of last night's hockey game at the urinals while I take a shit in the stall next door. Sometimes those people try to start up a conversation with me about stats or whatnot. I'm a fellow male, of course I'm a sports fan, right? What a nightmare. 

In all honesty, I actually kinda enjoy the dumbfounded looks on the faces of new friends/acquaintances/co-workers when they ask me who my team is. I usually just answer somewhat sarcastically, like "I don't play on a team." Then they're all like "Yeah, but are you a Bucs fan?" Fan? As in, am I fanatical about this rotating bunch of dudes in tight outfits running around the field and smashing into each other, trying to get their hands on the other team's balls? Am I a fan of that? Nope. Can't say that I am. Sounds kinda gay.